Monday, January 16, 2017

Reasserting influence -- False Starts

Unrealistically alienated children complain that the rejected parent doesn’t know them, doesn’t understand them, doesn’t respect their feelings.  And this may be true – but not because the parent doesn’t care and isn’t trying, but because their children reject that parent’s influence, don’t respond to that parent’s efforts to come towards them, and thereby deny access to the very information that they accuse the rejected parent of not having.  The children’s willingness and ability to accept influence has been damaged – terribly so. 

Rejected parents find this extraordinarily frustrating. Some of the most important parenting tasks involve influencing our children:  1. Widening their understanding of the world through exposure to varying  cultures, lifestyles, mindsets, and ideas; 2. Reinforcing specific morals and beliefs; 3. Coaching the recognition and appropriate expression of emotions; 4. Building a sense of mastery and accomplishment through persistent effort; 5. Supporting emerging interests; 6. Demonstrating logical thinking; 7. Teaching skills of impulse control; 8. Modeling the problem-solving skills of listening and compromise; 9. Heightening understanding of the value of love, relatedness, and gratitude.

But when parents are unrealistically alienated from their children, they have limited opportunity to influence their children in the ways listed above – and when they try, the children suppress receptivity to that parent’s influence and reject the parent’s efforts to come towards them.  There are many reasons that alienated children do so.   For some, the primary fear is that others, whose opinion the children value, will disapprove, perhaps even shame them for moving towards or being receptive to the rejected parent.  In these instances, the children often convey a contemptuous attitude towards the rejected parent, mirroring the favored parent’s attitudes.  In some cases, alienated children have been told that the rejected parent is dangerous or uncaring or so inadequate that it is not safe for the child to be with him or her.  In these circumstances, repair doesn’t happen because it can’t get started.

Consequently, the first task, before repair can even begin, is to create conditions which minimize the risk of interference or fear of reprisal once the alienated child begins repairing their relationship to their rejected parent.  Ideally, family members “see the light,” recognize the damage being done to the child, and begin to support one another’s efforts to help the child have healthy, rewarding relationships with all family members.  When this doesn’t occur, the courts sometimes restrict the child’s contact with the favored parent  until the relationship with the rejected parent is repaired.

In instances when court intervention is not feasible and the adult family members “have not seen the light,” progress can sometimes be made when alienated children learn the cognitive and behavioral skills necessary to resist alienating influences.  As one teenager remarked: “Oh, that’s just my parents being my parents, I don’t pay that stuff any mind.”   But one problem encountered by this approach is that when progress is made the favored parent feels threatened and terminates the therapy or acts to alienate the child from the therapist.

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